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Going down the Rabbit Hole

Going down the Rabbit Hole

So I have been watching a lot of Mr Robot recently. If you haven’t seen it, it is definitely worth the watch (for being accurate with the Tech but also the story is really good). What I have been really enjoying other than the technology is the relatability I have with the main character. And I also really like the technical aspect of how they put the show together, the writing, the cinematography and the sound design. The really intense music on top of what has just been shown almost becomes sensory overload. And that is my segway into why I am writing this, it’s not actually about the show at all. Cue the dramatic music…

I was met today with a sudden rush of emotion, the thoughts inside my head took a turn and I had to control it, to stop myself from going down a rabbit hole. It’s not that emotion is bad or thinking about something is all that terrible. But when your thoughts are going down a certain path you know that sometimes you need to stop it and find a different path for it to go down. The main thing for me is that I know that I have not done anything wrong and I have been trying my best to do right by everyone like I always do. And usually this is pretty easy. But all of a sudden I have been overwhelmed by multiple situations all occuring at once with no real idea on where it should be going or what to do to prevent it from going on a downward spiral.

But basically I have been going on multiple emotional rollercoasters all at once and they are all going up, down and all around each other creating an effect on eachother. Sitting back, watching it all unfold and not knowing which one if any I really wanted to be on. But like everything it takes one simple event to really put things into perspective. To show you what you really should have been seeing all along and how it can always just work out. But this never happens without there being side-effects or causation. Where one thing the cause, the doing something or saying something then has an effect, a resulting thing that you may not see at first, if at all. Requires some form of intuition or realisation to see it and what has been done.

But this still isn’t getting to the core reason as to why this blog exists. In simple terms there has been 3 major social things going on in my life at once. That is only occurring because other people exist and you need to interact with them. That underlying need to be with, speak to and be close with others. This brings along a byproduct of thought and judgement, the act of thinking things about others and potentially even voicing them. Whether this be for guidance, comment or criticism of your peers. And something that in effect I struggle with. The thinking of what others are saying or thinking about me, either to my face or not. The reading into what others are doing or said to you or others and how that then effects you or how they might act differently because of you. How you have an causal relationship with everyone you see or speak to and what effect that may have.

How one thing that someone said can start this thought process of self judgement and perceiving what they might be thinking of you. And I take issue to this when I believe that someone might be perceiving me or my actions differently to what I believe I have actually done or intended. The misunderstandings of the daily interactions or the difficult conversations that are had. The web of thoughts that happens millions of times per second about, because or within yourself. How one thing that is said at the end of a phone call can spark a million thoughts. But at the core of it, at every interaction you know you have told the truth, that you have tried to stay morally true and how you can’t help but think that they took it a different way. That one comment might prove that they have taken everything you said and thrown it in the bin, taken one little part of it or plainly didn’t understand your intentions. And then all of a sudden you start to think how they must have perceived you, your image and your whole world. How they have turned in on it’s head and you are sitting there not knowing. Not understanding what they might be actually thinking about you.

And now I sit here typing this after having kept these thoughts under control, letting them come and letting them go. Taking your interactions as face value and trying not to see it for something more than it actually is. Remembering the one thing that you have to think about. Your own intentions, your own thoughts and your own actions. Remember what you said and what you meant by it. You are only in control of yourself. You are only in control of your own thoughts. And only you can stop from going down the rabbit hole. That deep, dark path of self destruction. That path that leads deep into the forest of self loathing and the web of thoughts that spin yourself deeper to nowhere. Just remember that you did your best and tried to be honest, true and moral. And if others don’t see that, maybe you need to improve, change something slightly. But maybe, just maybe, they are the ones who were misguided, misunderstood or chose that deep dark path and there is nothing you did to cause it. Maybe they are the ones who had the causality of some other thing. You were just a bystander in this and you must realise this.

But in all honesty, you just have to hold onto what you can in life. Sometimes what comes by will go. Sometimes what surprises you will last. And other times you will not notice it at all. But when you do see it, when that one simple event occurs and makes you realise something you felt so obvious. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the show. Don’t run, don’t push and don’t grab on. Just take each step one at a time, otherwise you might trip, you might fall or you might never come back to where you are. And at times it might seem like this is actually what you want, but most of the time what you want is right there in front of you.

Now a lot of this might not make sense, or might just seem like I threw words onto the screen in some apparently appropriate manner. But when you go through life and you are at a point everything seems so complete and perfect. Literally it can change to an extremely complex situation within weeks. But what you need to remember, what I need to remember, is that perfection is right there, but perfection isn’t perfect. It is always changing, always moving and perfection isn’t perfect. Perfection is what you make it and what you perceive it to be. Don’t let others tell you what it is and don’t forget that mistakes are normal, it is how we homo sapiens learn and grow. This is a fairly abrupt end, so how about we do it like a lot of well written shows do, they just have this whole thing that goes on, drop a life lesson with intense music then cut to silence and roll the credits.









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James Rittmeyer




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James Rittmeyer




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James Rittmeyer






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